


Competitive Lawn Maintenance

by orphan_account



Series: naruto crack [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Crack, Don't Repost Onto Another Site, Fluff and Crack, Gardens & Gardening, Gen, Itachi is Ill, Minor Swearing, Random & Short, So..., Tobirama is mentioned, but my reading comprehension def. goes down at night, don't copy onto another site, he'd be a vodka aunt no lie, izuna only hangs out with people if madara is on a complaining-about-hashi-bend, the writing seems kinda chaotic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:26:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25742800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Uchiha Izuna, Itachi, and Obito... = chaotic.i dont know how this happened, i really dont
Relationships: Uchiha Itachi & Uchiha Izuna, Uchiha Itachi & Uchiha Obito, Uchiha Izuna & Uchiha Itachi & Uchiha Obito, Uchiha Izuna & Uchiha Obito
Series: naruto crack [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1867456
Comments: 6
Kudos: 22





	Competitive Lawn Maintenance

**Author's Note:**

> the cursed energy this trio possesses–

"Obito, are you sure this is a good idea? This place..." _Looks like a shit hole._

Obito throws Itachi a grin over his shoulder.

"You can't trust everything you see."

Izuna rolls his eyes. He's getting too old for this. Why is he babysitting his thirty-year-old nephew? Why is his twenty-something cousin(? Mama would know) the _actual_ adult supervision?

Because Madara raised a conniving little shit who CANNOT be left to his own devices. Whether that's himself or Obito… well, that depends entirely on the outcome of this little escapade. They're tied in mischievousness, for now. 

Ever since Madara found the twerp in this dusty cave they're currently revisiting, wrapped in a _‘pasty, poop-obsessed plant demon’_ , Izuna and Obito formed an odd rivalry. Admittedly, it's mostly all Izuna, who is jealous of anyone who spends time with Madara. Obito is just a chaotic, disrespectful brat who loves eating Izuna out of house and home. Whatever. It's nice to have his cooking appreciated, at least.

Itachi sighs and reaches into his shirt pocket for his glasses.

"Ah. _Now_ I can trust what I see. Hmm… still a rickety, humid lump of rocks in need of a good cave-in." Itachi says evenly, adjusting his glasses on his face. 

Obito turns and frowns, highlighting facial scars from the last time there was an actual cave-in. Itachi squints obviously, peering judgmentally at Obito's face.

"Hmm. My point exactly."

Obito squawks and Izuna laughs in a loud, old-person way. Itachi smiles at him, and Izuna remembers why Madara would entrust Itachi with him. He and Madara have some weird understanding—both seem to think Izuna and Itachi's younger brother are identical, or something. They've gotten absolutely overzealous before, comparing baby photos. Itachi enjoys seeing his little brother grow old through Izuna the way he probably won't be able to, what with Itachi's deteriorating sight and health.

...Okay, depressing! Even if it's not set in stone, Izuna doesn't want to think about outliving anyone other than Tobirama. 

"Alright, alright! So this is a little stupid—I'm a dumbass, sue me! But this is still important!" Obito hisses in a rare moment of self-awareness.

"Oh? Interesting." Itachi says, not interested at all.

"Shush!" Obito points his finger rudely. "You don't understand! This is a gardener thing!"

Izuna's interest piques. Perhaps a revenge plot against Hashirama? If so, Izuna's willing to put aside their rivalry for this little trip. He _loves_ tormenting Hashirama.

"Enlighten me."

Obito huffs, flushing in embarrassment.

"L-look, you know how green my lawn is? Well, that stupid boyfriend of my shitty old uncle–" Izuna sniffs at the disrespect for his brother. "–I've seen _his_ lawn. It's totally unfair!"

Itachi blinks. 

"What? Are you jealous… about Hashirama's grass being greener? Seriously? _That's_ why I'm here?"

Obito scowls, achieving a totally _Madara_ expression.

"No, you're here because your mom grounded Shisui, and Sasuke's in detention _again_. You've got nothing better to do, alright? So stop making fun of us gardening types!"

Itachi puts his palms up placatingly.

"I'm still curious as to what you hope to accomplish in this place? I don't read a lot of _blogs_ , but I'm pretty sure taking a hike into a secluded, unstable cave won't make your grass greener." 

"Ugh! Itachi, do you remember when you weren't a party pooper? A fun killer?" Obito whines, but Izuna catches his nervousness.

"I'm a _delight_." Itachi argues.

Izuna narrows his eyes.

"Obito." Izuna says seriously. "What did you do?"

"Nothing!"

Izuna glares.

"Don't even try it. You're just like my brother—I've known how to catch you in a lie since before you were _born_."

Obito deflates.

" _Stupid Uchiha genetics…_ " He mutters. "Okay, you caught me." Catching Itachi's stare, "Yes, this is actually important! ...Anyways, um." Obito scratches his arm avoidantly. 

"Spit it out, boy."

"Uhh, Guruguru told me about his grandaddy? The, well. The _Juubi_."

Okay, Obito takes the cake. Izuna was never this irresponsible _ever_.

"Obito…" Izuna says slowly, " _The_ Juubi? The primordial tree spirit, the progenesis of magic? _That_ Juubi?"

It _really_ isn't funny that Izuna can believe Obito _found the **Juubi**_.

"Guruguru is a descendent of _the Juubi_?" Look at Itachi, asking the _real_ question. "But he's…"

"...Super lame." Obito finishes. "I know. And stop freaking out, old man!" He says, fretting over Izuna. "It's not good for your blood pressure! And if you die, Madara will age super fast and I'll have to help him with _bathroom stuff_. Unlike Guruguru, poop doesn't appeal to me!"

_What a leap in logic._

Izuna puts a hand over his heart in relief.

"I knew I could count on you to not put him in a home. And don't tell me what to do! This is _serious_!"

"Jeez! You didn't let me finish! It's only the Juubi's husk, alright? I mean, sure, there's a lot of Guruguru's evil brethren guarding it, but I only need a _little_ bark. Besides, with our powers combined–"

"No. That's Madara's joke. Get a new one."

"–we can _dance_ circles around them. _C'mon_ , whaddya say?"

Izuna's fingers twitch violently at the word _'dance'_. He's been conditioned, okay? And with Tobirama busy being a schoolteacher, he hasn't been able to attempt murder recently. This might be a chance of a lifetime!

"If you want to show up Hashirama so bad, why don't you just torch the city like brother dearest, hm?" He says, just to be contrary.

"Oi! I actually happen to _like_ Konoha!"

"Senju apologist." Izuna sniffs.

"Ugh. You're _so_ old-fashioned."

Izuna looks at Itachi pleadingly. For what, he doesn't know.

Itachi sighs and checks the time.

"...Half an hour?"

Itachi leaves them to pick up Sasuke, graceful and undirtied as ever. Obito and Izuna are covered in a disturbing white goop, but they're smiling wide.

"...Hey, I know Itachi would never accept tea from me." Obito hands Izuna the bark they fought so hard for. "The Juubi had some crazy regenerative properties. Make him some for me?"

Izuna smirks. Madara _definitely_ raised some conniving little shits.

**Author's Note:**

> –how could i resist?


End file.
